Shameless Self Prop

Today's my birthday.

WOOT!

Sesame Street on LSD

For your viewing pleasure, here is the fun link for the day! This is one of the videos on a DVD of about 20 songs that loops all day at work.

Makes me think of Sesame Street on LSD.
This video brought about an interesting conversation the other day. I was saying how the green thing reminded me of Oscar the Grouch mated with one of those horned aliens. I have a vague memory of two purple aliens, one had an upward horn on the left side of his head and a downward horn on the right side of his head. The other was opposite, down on the left, up on the right. I don't remember what they did exactly, just that they were beamed down onto the screen, then they honked a lot.
I was trying to explain this to Jennifer, who knows of Sesame Street, but only its major characters because her daughter never watched it when she was young. Jennifer says to me, "So these two horny aliens get together and honk?"
Can someone with a kid who watches Sesame Street remind me what these things do? The were one of my favorite segments, but it's just been too long to remember.

Medical Dollar Menu

I'm driving home from work today and I notice a sign. I don't think I've ever noticed it before, but maybe I have and just never thought about it. It was a sign like for a McDonald's, or a Holiday Inn - one you can see from the highway so if you're from outta town and want food, or a place to rest (or not rest), you can find it easily enough by following the 40ft tall sign.

The sign I noticed today is a grayish green with white letters and reads:

Urology Center
---------------
vasectomy.com

I tried to picture a trucker passing through, or maybe a family headed on vacation, or someone going to a meeting but running an hour or so ahead of schedule. Can you imagine any of those people seeing that sign and thinking, "Hey, I've never had a vasectomy before - I should try it."
The same people who just left TacoBell with a Crunch Wrap Supreme pull up to the Urology Center and ask for the Dollar Menu Special - a catheter placement. No need for a refill, but you get a free empty if you bring the bag back.
Kindey Stone Sundays they break up your stones with the screeching soundwaves of the drive-thru speaker.
Fasting Friday you get a discount on urinalysis.
Celebrate your next birthday party with us! Colostomy Party Bags!
ATM Inside.

Mmmmm....donuts!

Not exactly. More like, "FUCKING DONUTS!!!!!!!" This weeks' waste of manhours - which is utterly pointless because the effort won't be sustained more than one month - is organizing all of the size donuts. You know, those little white circles on the hanger hooks that say XS, S, M, L, XL, 2X, 3X, S/M, M/L, 2/4, 6/8, 10/12, 14/16, 18/20, 2, 2s, 2l, 4 4s, 4l, 6, 6s...you get the idea. We also have donuts for men's jeans, with width and length. All of these millions of donuts are chucked together and need sorting out so we can find what we need when we need it & know what we need to order more of. They're a mess because no one puts them away where they're supposed to go, they just get chucked by the handful where ever's close by. Plus, a lot of them have been on the floor, and even the ones that haven't have been sitting and the floor is hardwood, so the stores' always mega-dusty and the donuts are filthy. Not obviously filthy, but filthy on your hands after 6 hours of sorting them.
So, I'm sorting out buckets of mismatched donuts into more buckets of matched donuts. All fucking day. I might not have minded so much, but I had to work morning shift. I'm shocked I was scheduled at all today, because they usually don't trust me to be around when corporate stops in. I guess they figured I couldn't cause as much trouble if I was assigned to register because I couldn't leave that area of the store.
Anyway, the problem with morning shift is I'm NOT in any way a morning person. I don't even fall asleep until 3am most nights. Last night I drifted off around 1, woke up at 7. Thank god there was fresh coffee waiting. I drank over a pint before leaving the house. I took another pint in a mug to work, but I was told I wasn't allowed to take it out onto the floor. Being assigned to register, I knew I'd be stuck there for at least 3 hours - and I'd forget about my coffee by then anyhow, so I decided to just chug it before I was chained to my post.
I'm a spaz to begin with. Don't ask me to stay in one spot all morning when I've consumed around a gallon of hot coffee - I don't fuck with the decaf shit. I was so damn bouncy, and all I had to to was sort the fucking donuts. My hands were shaking & I was dropping donuts and every time I bent down to pick them up, my knee started twitching...did I mention I've been drinking Sierra Mist lately, so my body has been nearly caffeine-free for about the past month?
Yeah. Bouncy. Yup. Coffee. Fucking donuts. Donuts go good with coffee. But not these donuts. I hate these donuts.
Lunch came at half-past-noon, just as the coffee buzz was wearing down to leave me in that zombie state of diluted awareness. Luckily, there's a coffee shop just down the hall from the store. They have cheesecake flavoring! Frickin' Sweet! I had a grande-mega-yummy Double Shot Cheesecake Latte for lunch. Yum. Caffeine. Yum. Did I already say yum? Because this is yummy. Cheesecake is so good. And as a latte. Caffeine please. Mmmmm.....
That wore off just as I was headed home. I got stuck in traffic and almost fell asleep waiting for it to move, but made it home safely to pass out on the couch for an hour. All in all, not a bad day - although my brain is still woozy from all the caffeine, and now none again. Maybe I'll make some more coffee. Just no donuts. I don't even want to see cake donuts for at least a month. Maybe two.

Mommequins

With Mother's Day coming up, the store has a table set up with "Mom Shirts" and the upper halves of 3 womannequins. I said we should stuff the shirts to make the womannequins look pregnant. Jessica said there's some rule about enhancing mannequins.
Technically, I can't consider a baby belly any kind of enhancement, I think that rule was made solely for boobs & balls. Also, on a less interested level, I wonder that there was so much enhancing going on that a rule had to be made against it.
I wasn't allowed to "enhance" the womannequins, and Jessica pointed out to me that not all mom's are pregnant. This is true, although most mom's were pregnant for a period of time. So, the obvious solution of how to designate motherhood without making anything larger?
I'm trying to track down a dry erase marker to draw stretch marks on the bellies - this will be fun because the shirts are tied up to show off just a bit of the waistline. Any guesses on how long it will take someone to notice?
Also on the topic of mannequins, it has come to my attention that male mannequins have some funked up equipment. Technically, they don't have any equipment, just a bulge to serve as the stick & sack. However, they do have a slight Vee of the abdomen for a 6-pack. What stymies me are two extensions on either side slightly below the Vee, coming up from the stick & sack. They seem to be either very small representations of a double equipped male, or two very large veins leading into the gentiles.
Jessica admitted that although she's slept with a lot of men, she's not expert enough to know what the hell the protrusions are. I said we should ask a guy, and since there was only one working that night, Logan fell prey. Jessica & Ginny asked him what the bumps were, Logan, in a movement forever burned into my brain, reached down to feel his crotch, then replied, "I don't know...I sure as hell don't have them."

Fun link for the night: My Theme Songs!

Supa-Short Story #3

Spring announced it's arrival to her at dawn with rumbling persistence punctuated by sharp flashes. The sidewalk was undoubtedly still rain-slick from the day before, but nothing has time to dry off between rounds when Mother Nature gets horny.
She supposed if her cycle was a year long, she'd be eager to make things grow as well. Mother Nature wasn't the only one with her hands on twigs and berries.
A contented smile spread across her face and would've lit her sluggish eyes if she'd managed to pry them open. For now darkness was cozy. The blanket had slid down to her hips, but the male body she was snuggled up against kept her plenty warm. His warmth surrounded her, and as she inhaled his clean, earthy scent, the heat spread elsewhere.
His breaths were deep and steady with sleep, and she pulled her eyelids open just enough to watch the rise and fall of his chest beneath her arm. His nipples were perked just slightly on his flat torso, and she circled one lazily with a finger before twirling gently through his sparse chest hair.
His chest rose on a slight groan, and he shifted, but didn't open his eyes. He turned his head to her, but she was already sliding the covers off fully to straddle him.
He opened his eyes a crack to smile sleepily at her and rub one of his big hands on the top of her head, tousling the hair even more as she bent over him to lay a soft kiss over his heart.
She slid lower, her nipples rubbing his belly, and his rumble of pleasure vibrated through her.
Nature wasn't the only one skilled at waking people up.

Supa-Short Story #2

"Hey, do you have a dollar?"
"No." It's funny how quickly a lie can roll off your tongue when you know where a conversation is headed.
"Not even, like, four quarters?"
"No." Technically, she didn't have a dollar on her. She had three quarters (and she later found out a nickel) in her back pocket that started to burn in that "I want recognition", Tell Tale Heart kind of way.
"But I'm so thirsty!"
She had money in her purse. She wasn't sure how much, only that it was enough to get some fast food on the way home. She was sure she had a dollar. "Water Fountain."
"I can't drink from the water fountain on the way home."
She didn't know where he lived. Not likely far enough that a drink from the fountain wouldn't hold him over. This is why she wouldn't lend him a dollar.
"You don't have any money on you?"
"I don't usually carry cash on me. Don't you have a card?"
"Yeah."
"Then go to McDonald's."
"I just want a pop out of the machine."
Ironic how he had the work ethic of a mule, but was so relentless trying to borrow a dollar. She didn't trust him to pay her back, and didn't like him enough to just give him a dollar. He must've thought his good looks deserved a dollar, because he sure hadn't done anything else to earn it. Couldn't even muster the energy to ask politely for it.
No, I'm not giving you a damn dollar, leave me the fuck alone!
"I'll go ask Margaret if she has a dollar I can borrow."
He walked away, leaving her to finish the work alone while I lazed against a table at the other end of the floor, regaling Margaret with the travesty of his thirst.
That's why I didn't give you the damn dollar you wanted.

Perverted Funness

Fun things for the day, brought on by Jaye's last post.

Margaret Cho - click on G Spot...Men's Periods is also hilarious!
Rodney Carrington - As much as I enjoy this animation, I'm disappointed there isn't one with the full length version of the song. I got to see a show of his a few years back during my "Redneck Days." Funny guy.
Do you think patients who get this implant are given a can of Fix a Flat to take home in case of an emergency?
All of the above reminded me of neuticles, remember hearing about them a few years back?
Neuticles reminded me of Bumper Nuts. Why would any guy want to so obviously advertise that his truck is indeed compensation?

That's all for now, though everyone can feel free to leave their own sordid comments. I'll leave you with a haiku, for everyone who had to squeeze their balls to get their dick hard:

As great as it sounds,
There's no glory in the fact,
I blew my penis.

Supa-Short Story

This popped into my head out of nearly nowhere last night. I'm considering fiddling with it. Any comments will be appreciated.

She hadn't shaved in a while. It was still a little chilly for shorts, and she wasn't planning on getting laid. Maybe she'd shave more often during the winter if she had a steady relationship.
Too bad the idea of "steady" implied commitment. All that was involved with her current string of infrequent and varied lovers - if she could call them that - was sex. Occasionally regret, but everything had its side effects. Life was a dangerous drug if not used properly. Even the impassive big-wigs of the FDA would take a shot at pulling it from the shelves if possible.
At the very least a Surgeon Gerneral's warning should be tattooed on every man's penis. "Warning, the act you are about to engage in may create life, which will certainly cause death."
The water sloshed over the rim of the tub as she shifted positions to go for her other leg. For a few moments, life in the bathroom was a tsunami of uncertainty. Then back to the irritatingly calm silence with nothing but the rhythmic certainty of the razor whispering up her calf.
Her last fuck had been good in practice, but shameful in the name of morals. It took a moment to recall his first name, she'd never known his last.
Outside a low hum echoed, a close bumblebee, or distant lawn mower if it had been noontime. At two-in-the-morning it was more likely a semi on the highway a mile or two away. Funny how so many things sounded alike if there was no context. Life without context is a blank page free to be consumed by any poem imaginable.
The truck passed and the static-roar of silence filled her ears a moment before she rinsed her leg.
The bathtub drain gurgled like a drowning lion as her winter insulation was sucked down the drain, leaving her silky and exposed for the job interview she had that afternoon.

Karma-Induced Electrocution

My. Name. Is. Earl.
I forgot to mention that I electrocuted myself yesterday. I've been told it was Karma-induced because of my heightened evilness. It's a possibility. Mostly I think it was because I thought I could fix the vanity light without turning off the fuse for it.
Needless to say, I was mistaken.
I actually didn't feel the electrocution the way you feel a static shock. I probably wouldn't have even noticed if it hadn't been for the sudden impression of being able to feel the insides of all of my teeth at once, accompanied by the sudden coppery penny-like taste on my tongue. Oh, that and the mini-bolt of lightning I saw shoot from the wall into my hand.
It was the first time in just short of a year that I've seriously electrocuted myself, not just the little shocks you get from accidentally touching a prong as you plug in a clock.
I think I'm okay, though. I just stood there waiting for my brain to re-boot and my eyes to refocus while a distant part of me thought my eyes just *might* already be focused. That, and it took a while for the copper penny taste to wear off.

Good times.

Smart Bitches!

Thanks to everyone who voted for a Bwaha in response to this. The votes have been tallied & the winners are posted here. Three of the authors I wanted to win have, so I'm pleased.

One short of Grease Monkey

Today was busy! Had an appointment to witness on a will signing at 11, but the people didn't show. I was gonna head back to bed, but was asked by Gram to look into plants for the pond at Lowe's. I'd mentioned Lowe's earlier because I was thinking of getting a shower head attachment for the upstairs bathtub.
At Lowe's, the pond plants hadn't arrived yet, and "Dan the Man" -head of the plumbing department - had no idea what I was talking about with my bath faucet, so I told him I'd be back in 2 hours with the faucet.
This was the fun part. Back at home I changed into grease monkey clothes & tied a bandana around my hair. I spent about half an hour following pipes until I found the valves for the upstairs bathroom. I turned them off, ran back upstairs, hot was still dripping. Ran back downstairs, tightened spigot. Ran back upstairs, hot still dripping. Back to basement. Tighten knob. Upstairs. Leaking. About the 4th time up & down 2 flights of stairs, I decided I'd leave the hot on so I'd be able to hear in the basement when the water stopped flowing. That was when I realized the red knob was on the cold line, & blue was hot. I'd been tightening the wrong one. Back upstairs, water was finally off in the bathroom, but I came to realize the wrench I had was a millamicrohair too small. I made it work, but wrench was added to my list.
Four faucet adaptors and one shiny new blue pipe wrench later, I have a new showerhead and a fell about one evolutionary step below a Grease Monkey. I also picked up 7 screens & got to fight with the storm windows that had been painted shut by the previous occupant. As hot as it was, and as tempting as bed sounded, it felt good to put in a hard day's work. Now I can take a nice shower upstairs before bed. There's a shower in the first floor, but it's adjacent to the master bedroom & I'm usually headed to bed about 5 hours later than Gram.
Last month I fixed the front storm door because the pressure thingy that keeps it open - well, the screws keeping it in place pulled out of the doorframe & the threads were stripped, so I had to plaster & put in new screws. Next month, who knows.
Best part of today, other than a job well done - the guy in Lowe's said I should (some word I don't remember) the pipes. I gave him a confused stare & he said, "Do you have a (derivative of word I don't remember)?" I told him I didn't even know what one was. He said, "Did you say you're doing this yourself?" "Yeah." "It's a pair of pliers." "I know what pliers are! Why didn't you say pliers in the first place?" "No one's helping you with this?" "Hey, getting the faucet off was the hard part, I'm sure I can get it back on...then I just have to remember which pipes in the basement turn the water back on." Okay, so the last part was an exaggeration, I knew which pipes, but the look on his face was priceless!

Wolf at the Door

Last night's final page before bed was the end of Christine Warren's Wolf at the Door. This was my first read by Christing Warren and it definitely won't be my last.
independent Foxwoman Cassidy Poe is an anthropologist studiously avoiding her Nana's attempts to drag her into the family tradition of politics on the Council of Others. When Cassidy is summoned by the council for her "expertise" on cultures and small cults, she not only has to try to slip out of her Nana's plans for her, but also away from the hot gaze of Sullivan Quinn.
Quinn is visiting America on business as the guth of his Ireland clan, but he can't focus on the work at hand with the sweet scent of Cassidy Poe calling to all of his instincts.
Together, Quinn and Cassidy must find and stop the dangerous cult threatening the safety of the Others. The kidnapping of several prominent members of the Other society only adds to the urgency, but there is much more going on than anyone has expected or knows how to handle.

Christine Warren has a wonderful new voice. Her offbeat humor is something that will be well appreciated by everyone who's just a little twisted - or a lot. Her romance is hot - sex scenes are several pages long and describe everything from foreplay to cuddling with careful detail.
This book revolves around a Lupine and a Foxwoman, but the Other community has a very wide range of preternatural beings. Every type of shapeshifter, including Silkies, witches, Fae, demons, vampires, Brownie...and a few things I'll admit I had to look up. It reminds me of the worlds Angela Knight creates where you'll be reading about a werewolf, but get a glimpse through a window at the rest of their environment.
I'm looking forward to seeing how this series progresses. The book has a wonderful ending, but there is definitely more to come. Hopefully the next book will have another Irish hero, loved the accent!

Value of a Paperclip

Has everyone seen this? It's my little bit of bloggity goodness for the day. I read about this guy in the newspaper, told my Gram who'd heard about it on her the morning talk radio, and decided I had to check the blog.
Makes me wonder...I have some origional Cocacola, Sprite, and Pepsi bottles in the basement that are worth a hell of a lot more than one red paperclip! (Which he probably found on the street anyway!)
Anyone willing to trade? I'll give ya 2 dozen origional glass bottles for a brand new Mustang - red.

Quotabable

The last time I was in a B&N I found little post-its shaped like arrows - now I have post-its sticking out of all my books to mark ideas or turns of phrase I like. When I'll ever sit down and look through/make notes of all these bookmarked thoughts, hell knows. Probably never. Or maybe the next time I move I'll look through all these books in an attempt to procrastinate from packing them up.
More money spent with good intentions and poor realization. Oh well. Maybe one day I'll motivate my ass & make something of it.
Another reason I got the sticky arrows was to mark quotes. I LOVE quotes! I have a notebook (somewhere) that I write down all the quotes I like in...I just have to remember where that book went after I unpacked it a few months ago...I think it's under the stack of books on my night stand.
On the topic, here's a quote for the day:

Not ten yoke of oxen have the power to draw us like a woman's hair. - H.W. Longfellow

Anyone have any favorite quote(s)?

Blackout

I was up until 4am this morning finishing Blackout by Annie Solomon. I've been exhausted all day, but damn if it wasn't worth it!

Blackout is the story of Margo Scott, a book seller who lives in Washington D.C. in a house left to her by her Aunt Francis.
Or so she thinks.
Until she realizes she's lost a month of her life. Then everything falls under question. She can't find a sister she swears she has - let alone any pictures of her family, her life. Everything before the night she woke up with a headache is a blur - including whether or not she killed Frank Vinay.
Jake Wise is an undercover agent unofficially assigned to keep an eye on Margo. Now Frank is dead and it seems everyone is after Margo, good guys and bad. Jake wants to believe Margo is innocent, but a bad memory makes a lousy alabi, and all the leads point to her being a murderer.
They team up together to try to find the truth of who killed Frank, but there's a lot to work out in their partnership since Jake doesn't entirely trust Margo. And Margo doesn't trust herself at all.

The first chapter of this book will pull you in like a tow line. The second chapter is a little confusing, but then a lot of things are confusing when your main character has no concrete memory and thinks she's going insane.
The plot is multifaceted and kept me guessing until the end. There are multiple assassains after Margo, and it takes a while to find out who and why. There are fast paced fights mingled with off-beat humor - everything I like in a book. My favorite part of this book was the end. I thought the book was basically over, just waiting for the happily-ever-after, but there's one more surprise I didn't see coming until it hit. A lot of times, I manage to figure out what's going on to a degree before the book ends, in this case, there was no possible way to do that because you're getting new information every page and the main character's prospectives are changing all the time to allow you to change your own perception as well.
One thing that shocked me in this book is the way the hero pushes the heroine. They're both though, and usually armed. Margo gets the best of Jake and ties him up, but Jake later gets the best of Margo and knocks her unconscious. It shocked me and took me a minute to adjust, but Annie pulls it off wonderfully.
Anyone in the mood for an action/suspense romance that will keep them questioning, I highly recommend this book!

Kill and Tell

Last night I finished Kill and Tell by Linda Howard.

Karen Witlaw's Mother has just passed away. In an effort to ease the grief, she moves, packing up all of her mother's belongings - including a mysterious package from Karen's transient father that had arrived after her mother's death.
She's jsut begining to settle back into a rythm when detective Marc Chastain from New Orleans calls. Karen's father has been killed and she needs to come to NOLA and identify the body.
Marc doesn't like Karen. Her father had been living on the streets, and she seemed like just the sort of uncaring woman who would leave her Vietnam Vet father out on the streets instead of having to deal with his problems. But he's wrong. In an instant, Marc realizes how affected Karen is by all that has happened, and how much he wants to be the one to comfort her.
Marc begins courting Karen, who's not warm and trusting towards most men, but Karen turns to him as her only option when the man who had her father killed goes after her to finish the job.
Now it's a race to find the package her father had sent before his death and figure out who's trying to have Karen killed before they succeed.

Very good book, as are all of Mrs. Howard's. The suspense was good and although I had an inkling what was going on, the end was still wonderful. There are some good action scenes and the heroine is very well developed. I related well with the heroine and her background and some of her views, which made me enjoy this book all the more.
The hero, Marc, is totally drool worthy! Between his looks, his souther hospitality, and his Noawlans drawl, he's someone you want to read about.
My only problem with this book, there are a LOT of subcharacters. I'm all for supporting characters for enhancing the plot, and I love when we get some scenes from their point of view, but if I set this book down for too long I had to look back to remember who was who while I was reading.
Overall, I definately recomend this book, although I definately also recommend reading it when you're fully alert. My groggy mind needed a little caffiene to keep up with all the characters.
I actually became very interested in one of the subchatacters, John Medina. He appears again in Howard's All the Queen's Men as the hero. I've yet to read this book, but will definately be adding it to my TBB (to be bought) list! All of Linda's books are keepers!

Reasons why I'm going to Hell

#1. I went to church today. I'm not a big religous person, I believe more in spirits and the power of positive thoughts to influence, although I suppose that's a religion as well, but back when I was aminstream, I was Presbyterian. Gram (who is still Presbyterian & somehow manages to be accepting of her hethan granddaughter) asked me if I'd like to come to the Maundy Thursday service with her. The offered comunion, a big loaf of bread you ripped a piece off of, then a chalice of grape juice you dip your nugget of bread into. They tell you, "This is the body of Christ, broken for you." & "This is the blood of Christ, sacrificed for you." Walking back to my seat, chewing on my grapey-bread hunk, I think - "Mmmm...Christ is yummy."

Not that I'll go to hell solely for this infraction, but it's just another accomplishment to add to my long list of credentials.

I'm going to start listing them as I add to the list.

What are YOU going to hell for?

Feeding the 3rd World

I was called in to work today to fold about 1,000 Tshirts which have already been unfolded and refolded four different times, four different ways. Everyone at work just wants to grab a case of peeps from the dollar store next door, go outside, and have a mallow roast over a bonfire of Tees.
Me, I was under my sleep requirement and pissed off at the shirts and trying to keep myself occupied when a thought pops into my head (and flows directly out my lips).

"Ya know, there's really only one way we could get away with selling everything for so cheap in this store, and if the customers stopped to think about it, they'd realize they're buying sweat shop clothes."

I was chastized by my manager for making this comment on a busy Sunday morning in a department store where I was surrounded by shoppers.

"Well, the woman bought the shirt anyway, so obviously she has no problem supporting Pedro and his family's dinner tonight."
"Still, it's just not a comment you should be making in front of customers."
"And yet I do not hear you denying my allegations."
"Our clothes are made....overseas."
"That's all the confirmation I need!"

This also spawned a conversation over how we could box all these damn shirts up, send them back to Pedro to fold, and the cost of shipping and his two-cents-an-hour wages would still be less than the cost of calling in 4 employees just to fold shirts.

Fight Club

Just Finished reading Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. Very easy read, less than a day.
I've been a long time fan of the movie and have been meaning to pick up the book. I usually don't read books after a see a movie I love, because the movie seldom measures up to the book, also - it's distracting to hear the actors voices when you read certain lines.
All in all, however, I highly recommend this book to any fans of the movie. The book compliments the movie very well, bringing more clairity to several scenes and pointing out subtleties for what they really are.
The movie does a good job of converying the theme of the book, but loses some of the meaning in the ending. A lot of scenes in the movie are actual scenes in the book, some are twisted scenes, some are out of order. There are a few crucial points in the book that are not emphasized in the movie, but then, you can only cram so much into 2 hours without losing focus. Ironic, since the book has little focus and I wonder if I'd have been able to follow it so easily if I hadn't seen the movie.

The copy I have is the post-movie eddition with a special introduction from the author. Makes me wonder what kind of a guy Chuch is. It's interesting to hear his thoughts on a book that started out as a joke essay and has turned into a cultural event.

Fave quote, found on the second-to-last page:

We are not special.
We are not crap or trash, either.
We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, "No, that's not right."
Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything.

Fave haiku, page 80:

Watching white moon face
The stars never feel anger
Blah, blah, blah, the end.

Now, everyone's homework is to go read this book. Also, feel free to leave a haiku in the echo thoughts.


My haiku:

Turn just one more page
The plot encases my soul
I'll sleep tomorrow

Vote for a Smart Bitch!

There's a new award this year, the BWAHAs! (Bitchery Writing Award for Hellagood Authors, sponserod by Smart Bitches)
Go vote! NOW!

I'm rooting for CJ Barry, JR Ward, and Angela Knight.
Here's a list of the nominees:

Best Contemporary
Match Me If You Can by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Hot Tamara by Mary Castillo
Breaking Point by Suzanne Brockmann
Black Ice by Anne Stuart
Wedding Survivor by Julia London
Ex and the Single Girl by Lani Diane Rich
Mouth to Mouth by Erin McCarthy

Best Historical
Smuggler’s Bride by Darlene Marshall
Mr. Impossible by Loretta Chase
Siren by Cheryl Sawyer
It Happened One Autumn by Lisa Kleypas
The Secret History of the Pink Carnation Lauren Willig
The Veil of the Night by Lydia Joyce

Best Series/Contemporary
Ultra Violet by Ellen Henderson
Her Body of Work by Marie Donovan
The Orchid Hunter by Sandra K. Moore

Best Series/Historical
Lady Silence by Blair Bancroft
Dedication by Janet Mullany

Best Romantica/Erotic Romance
“Skin Deep” by Jasmine Haynes, from Twin Peaks
Take Me by Bella Andre
Dragon’s Fire by Tielle St. Clare
Promises Prevail by Sarah McCarty
Off the Record by Matthew Haldeman-Time
Bound to Trust by Jaci Burton

Best Erotica
Mercenaries by Angela Knight
24/7 by Susan DiPlacido
Crossing the Line by Stephanie Vaughan

Best Paranormal: Vampires, Werewolves and the Supernatural
Haunted by Kelley Armstrong
Dark Lover by JR Ward
Undead and Unappreciated by MaryJanice Davidson
Erotique by Alessia Brio
Waxing by Megan Powell

Best Paranormal: Fantasy/SF/Other Worlds Romance
The Compass Rose Gail Dayton
Heart Choice by Robin D. Owens
Poison Study Maria V. Snyder
Brighid’s Quest by PC Cast
Unmasked by CJ Barry

Happy my ASS!

I was watching TV with Gram tonight and saw a commercial for Always 'feminine napkins' (something about that term just sounds odd to me). Apparently, their new slogan is, "Have happy period." I turn to my Gram and say, "Happy period? Yeah, like that'll ever happen. Gram, you just turned 70, have you ever had a happy period? (no) You know a man made that up!"
To which Gram replied, "Yeah, no doubt some single Ad Executive living in Manhattan. You find out who he is, and I'll run him over in a taxi!"
"And then you can lean your head out the window and tell him to have a happy stay in the hospital?"
"No, then I can tell him what a fucking moron he is and that he should go to hell!"

My Gram rarely cusses. I've NEVER heard her say fuck. Just yesterday, she admonished me for saying hell. Apparently no curse is out of line when being wished a happy period. I'm going to e-mail Always and tell them what morons they are.

B&N Pilgrimage

I haven't been to B&N since last year, and I've never made the hour & a half trip alone.
A friend of mine has been home on medical leave for about two months now and is going insane all couped up with nothing to do. I decided to make her a care basket filled with books and chocolate. I went up to B&N to find the books I wanted to give her that I couldn't find at my local Waldenbooks.
Luckilly, I managed to make it up with no major incident other then road construction. The bridge from Notch Holmstead to the Waterfront is under construction - frankly, it looks like they're re-building the entire thing! So the 4 lanes were down to 2 & the on ramp was gone, so the off ramp was serving as both.
I got to B&N around 12:45. I glanced at the movies and music, but decided I needed to use the bathroom more than I needed to see the new anime releases. Then it was straight to romance. I picked 8 or so books and headed to the counter to ask where the other 4 I was looking for were. The woman gave me a basket, told me 3 of the books were sold out. Luckilly, they had The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley, AND The Return of the Bunny Suicides. I also found Andy Riley's new book, Great Lies to Tell Small Kids. The latter includes such brilliant insights as, "milk feels pain" and "it's bad luck to not name every ant you see - your entire life." I'm seriously considering screwing up my little brother.
I passed on the Great Lies, but got the Bunny Suicides for Momma-B's basket. With each books I gave her, I slipped in a little note to tell her why I loved that book. Aside from the bunny suicides ( I REALLY don't like rabbits) and 4 bags of chocolate candies, here's what was in the basket & what the note said (roughly).
Linda Howard - Kiss Me While I Sleep - This book made me cry! It's so wonderful. Linda is such a talented writer. This book has a lot of information about the avian flu, and since I read it last Summer, it's interesting to me that bird flu is such a threat this year.
Linda Howard - Heart of Fire - When I was little, I wanted to be an archaeologist, and I've always loved the Amazon, for those reasons, I LOVED this book! My favorite scene is the "slap-slap" comment.
Christine Feehan - Fever - Christine is a total sweetheart and a very creative and skilled author. Of her 4 series, this is my favorite! I love leopards and, again, this takes place in the amazon. This book has a wonderful ending and I can't wait for more leopard books next year!
J.R. Ward - Dark Lover - JR is a darling and I love this series! It's very creative and involved, and the story only gets better with the new book, Lover Eternal. Zsadist is my favorite and I can't wait for his book later this year.

I actually wasn't sure if Momma-B would like Dark Lover. I had a good sized pile of books (half for her, half for me) and had to put a few back to stay within my budget. I thought I'd put back Dark Lover, but when I got to the counter and realized it was still in my basket, I figured it was a sign I had to get it for her.

For myself, I decided on Angel Creek and Kill and Tell by Linda Howard, The Burning - Susan Squires, Blackout - Annie Soloman (I've yet to read her, but I've heard a lot of good things about this book), Tell Me No Lies - Elizabeth Lowell. I also purchased the Fallout Boy CD & Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits. Oh, and The Werewolf Book - The Encyclopedia of Shape-shifting Beings, which is research for my were book. Basically, it's the history of werewolves & werewolf lore.
In the stationary department I picked up a little purple fabric bound notebook to make notes of books and authors I like, since the list is getting long. Also, little arrow post-it notes to put in books, they're the best idea! They're different pastel colors & can be used to leave notes on things you want to return to without marking up your book!

After I'd been in the store for over an hour-and-a-half, and kept running into the same two women in books and music, they asked me if there was anything they could help me find, I said, "The exit! Get me out of this store!" After I passed the two hour mark, they started asking me if I was ready to check out whenever I came within ten feet of a register. I left after two-and-a-half hours! (which was 4pm - just starting rush hour traffic)

The way home was interesting. I was driving down the highway (which I was proud of myself for finding the way back to) along the river & saw a sign for a bridge. I passed that exit, but the next exit sign I passed didn't look familiar, so I thought I'd passed the exit I needed and took the next exit. I then backtracked to the bridge, Liberty Bridge. In a twist of irony, as I was driving across the bridge, I looked to my right (the direction I had been traveling before I thought I'd missed my exit) and thought, "No....THAT's the bridge I'm supposed to be on!." I then realized the Liberty Bridge doesn't lead to the Fort Pitt Tunnel, it leads to the Liberty Tunnel!!! In a stroke of genius, the people naming things decided the Fort Pitt Bridge should lead to the Fort Pitt Tunnel, and the Liberty Bridge should lead to the Liberty Tunnel.
Now, I thought I could go through the Liberty Tunnel and still get onto the right highway on the otherside of the mountain, but I wasn't sure & decided it would be safer to turn around. Turning around involved turning right & traveling up Washington Hill. Something I noticed about this neighborhood as I was looking for a suitable parking lot to turn around in - for every 50 cars, there'd be a short bus. Seriously, I don't know if it's where the baby busses run around until they grow into full-sized school busses, or what, but the damn things were everywhere!
The biggest irony was, I didn't take that wrong exit until I thought I'd taken the wrong exit. My awesome sense of direction isn't worth crap in the city! (This is Pittsburgh, by the way)

Long story short, I got back across Liberty Bridge, crossed Fort Pitt like I was supposed to, and got hom in one piece - A Great Feat, considering the considered domonic possession of my car. YAY. Books, new CDs, I got an iced chai from Starbucks for the ride home. Best thing was the look on Momma-B's face when she say the book basket. Loved it. Such a great day!

- Mitch

Ablog Me

Your Aura is Purple

Your Personality: You're a dreamer and visionary. You believe you were put on this earth to do something great. You in Love: You're very passionate but often too busy for love. You need a man who sees your vision and adopts it as his own. Your Career: You need a job that helps you make a difference. You have a bright future as a guru, politician, teacher, or musician.

What Color Is Your Aura?

You Are a Flashy Red Bra!

Outgoing, friendly, and fascinating.You're a charmer, with your pick of the men.But you want a man who's as magnetic as you are.You need someone who can keep up with your all night gab fests!

What Kind of Bra Are You?

You Are A Lily

You are a nurturer and all around natural therapist.People see you as their rock. And they are able to depend on you.You are a soothing influence. You can make people feel better with a few words.Your caring has more of an impact than even you realize.

What Flower Are You?

Your Element is Wood

Your power colors: green and brown Your energy: generative Your season: spring Like a tree, you are always growing and changing.And while your life is dynamic, you are firmly grounded.You have high morals and great confidence in yourself and others.You have a wide set of interests, and you make for intersting company.

What Element Are You?

You Are 94% Evil

You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

In a Past Life...

You Were: An Evil Priest. Where You Lived: Itally. How You Died: The Plague causes.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

You Should Be a Science Fiction Writer

Your ideas are very strange, and people often wonder what planet you're from. And while you may have some problems being "normal," you'll have no problems writing sci-fi. Whether it's epic films, important novels, or vivid comics... Your own little universe could leave an important mark on the world!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

You Are 60% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right? But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!

How Weird Are You?

60%? Is that all? wtf?

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are 52% Abnormal

You are at high risk for being a psychopath. It is very likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at medium risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is somewhat likely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at low risk for having a social phobia. It is unlikely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

How Abnormal Are You?

Again, only 52%? wtf - although the soulless part does coincide with previous quizzes.

You Are Dasher

You're an independent minded reindeer who never plays by the rules. Why You're Naughty: That little coup you tried to stage against Santa last year Why You're Nice: You secretly give naughty children presents.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?